Send in the Clowns
by not done baking
Summary: A short fic showing the downward spiral of Jacob and the girl who brought him back up. Strong language and implied situations.
1. Send in the Clowns

AN: Major thanks to Frank Sinatra, who has to be the most romantic singer ever. _Send in the Clowns _was written by Stephen Sondhiem, the version I listen to was preformed by Frank Sinatra. I **don't** own it.

"This is a song about a couple of adult people who have spent, oh, quite a long time together till one day one of them gets restless and decides to leave. Whether it's the man or woman who left it's unimportant, it's a breakup." Frank Sinatra

On the note about how much I love Sinatra, I did flip the last two stanzas around, really it's an insult to Sondhiem though.

**Send in the Clowns**

_Isn't it rich?_

_Are we a pair?_

_Me here at last on the ground,_

_You in mid-air._

I woke up groggy, my head in a terrible state from the overdose of drugs. But I was thankful for it in more ways than one, the pain from my injuries was all but gone and with my mind spinning around in circles it was much harder to focus on the burning sensation on my lips. I could still feel Bella's searing kiss from hours ago.

It had taken some time but she had given in and kissed me back, her fists knotted up in my hair, her body so close to mine—it was more than I could ever ask for. Well, _that_ wasn't true. I wanted more than just one passionate kiss from Bella, I wanted more than just a kiss to keep me from dying. Greedy scuzzbag that I was I wanted all of Bella.

But she confirmed my worst doubts when she came over, she loved me, but she loved the leech more.

I had failed her and Charlie and her mother and the pack.

_Send in the clowns._

It didn't get better when I began to run with the pack again. Their thoughts pelted me and the guilt began to boil more than I had thought it could. If it weren't for the freedom and relief I received from changing I wouldn't have gone with my brothers… and sister.

And she was the worst, I would rather be short one wolf than have her in the pack. It wasn't like she did any good for us anyway, she only caused tension in the meetings. She had no respect for keeping certain thoughts for herself, it didn't take an expert to see how much her thoughts were hurting Sam and in return Emily.

And I wouldn't have been pulverized by one of the newborn leeches if she weren't so egocentric.

She expected the world and everyone in it to revolve around her, she didn't seem to catch on that we were in the same exact position yet only she was allowed to be pissed and grieving at every moment of every day. Sam didn't even have to die to be with Emily, Leah was just being a stubborn mule.

I can't deny that the wedding invitation was a kick in the stomach, it took a lot to hurt me but those silly, overly fancy leaflets of paper managed to do it. Despite Bella's words, during the between receiving the invitation and having Bella say good-bye to me I still held on to a small bright ray of hope.

Can't blame me for trying.

But the paper made it official, I would be loosing my Bella in a few weeks. A few too short weeks. And that knowledge killed me. And I ran, I ran as fast as I could. I had to get away from it all. They tried to call me back but there wasn't anything they could say to bring me back, except "She's choosing you," if that were to happen I wouldn't have been able to run back to the house fast enough.

But my hopes were futile.

_Isn't it bliss?_

_Don't you approve?_

_One who keeps tearing around,_

_one who can't move._

My guilt made me go back after a month. I was able to catch Sam's attention and there were a pair of sweats on the edge of the forest floor. I phased out, my bones creaking from the unfamiliarity of being human. I stretched and felt my joints snap, I was exhausted.

Leah was the first to see me. I groaned, I knew it was time to come back, at least for my father, but I wasn't ready to face Leah and hear her snide remarks.

"Well you look like crap," she said, her hands crossed in front her chest and her head cocked to the side. There was a smile somewhere on her face, deep down inside she was happy I was back. Happy that there was someone else in the pack again that was incredibly miserable all thanks to the irritating emotion known as love.

Love just wasn't easy when you knew there was someone out their that the universe created for you, now whether or not my puzzle piece person was Bella or someone I would imprint on I wasn't sure. If I hadn't imprinted on Bella I was terrified at what it would be like to imprint on a girl.

I gave her the finger and went into the house, "You wish," she called after me.

"Hey Dad," was all I said. When I looked up I saw Charlie sitting on the couch, my eyes widened. I had no idea what I was supposed to tell him.

"Jacob," his eyes said so much more though, "You get in a fight with someone? I would have thought that seeing your friends again would have been more pleasant," perhaps I really did look like crap. I silently thanked Sam for the pants though, coming in naked would have been hard to explain to Charlie, "After your shower you should unpack your suitcase," he nodded towards the hallway. I did see a suitcase there, one I had never seen before. I assumed that Sam had managed to sneak it in without Charlie noticing. I grabbed the suitcase and worked hard to pretend it was heavy when it was obviously empty.

I threw it onto my bed, which was still unmade, I managed to find a clean shirt and pants in my dresser. I took a shower, the hot water on all the way, until it ran cold. It had taken forever to clean off the dirt but I managed after some time and I made sure to wash all the mud out of the tub before leaving.

_Where are the clowns?_

_Send in the clowns._

I went into my room and sat down on the bed, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go and be in the same room as Charlie. He didn't seem terribly upset by anything, perhaps that had been overwhelmed by my appearance. It was pretty frightening.

I searched around my room and found the invitation that had prompted my exile, I frowned at the date realizing that knowing the date did nothing since as a wolf I had no sense of time. I very well couldn't go out and ask Billy what the date was, that would have been suspicious. I walked over to my bed and searched under it to find my alarm clock, I was pretty sure that it had the date on it.

I found the contraption and groaned, the world was most certainly against me, at some point it had been unplugged.

I didn't want to go out there and face Charlie, but it would have been very weird to just stay in my room the entire time. Charlie had seen my room and with my cleaning habits it wouldn't take too long to unpack my suitcase.

I opened the door and saw that both Charlie and Billy were focused on the game, maybe I could just sneak into the kitchen without them noticing, I was dying for real food. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich (seven of them maybe) sounded wonderful. With milk.

I was in the kitchen when I heard commercials come on, commercials meant it was okay for the two to talk.

"Jake," Charlie called from the living room, "it's a shame you had to miss the wedding, is your aunt feeling better though?" I frowned, I didn't have an aunt.

"Yes, she is," my heart sunk as his words sunk into me, Bella was married. And depending on how long ago the wedding took place, my Bella was gone.

"Are you okay?" Billy asked. I looked down and noted the shattered glass from the cup I had been holding.

"Of course I'm fine."

Pain rocketed through my body, worse than what had happen when I had multiple broken bones. I had nothing to compare this to, my heart ached. My heart was breaking.

Tears poured down my face as I made the sandwiches, I bagged them up and went to the door.

"Your boy has quite the appetite," Charlie commented, he hadn't seen my tears.

I was outside before I heard my father answer. I jogged over to the tree that Bella and I often sat under, it held too many memories but it was the only place left where I knew my Bella would be.

I didn't know how to release the anger I had inside me, I wanted to cry and scream and break things but any of the above would bring attention to the pack and Leah's attention was enough for today.

I sat down and leaned against the tree, facing the ocean and began pitching rocks in to the ocean in between bites. After several rocks and three sandwiches I noticed the white envelope on the ground it was in a zip lock and had Bella's chicken scratch writing on it.

_Jacob._

My weakened heart soared, a piece of Bella was there for me. I quickly opened the envelope.

**August 14**

_Jake,_

_I'm not sure how this long distance relationship is supposed to work. _I'm going to do what I think it means and write to you, although the last time I sent you letters it didn't work out quite so well. If you don't want me to write to you, if it's too painful, just write to me and tell me. Please. I'll leave my new address at the bottom.

I won't be able to write back immediately though since Edward and I will be on our honeymoon until September 1.

I'm sure you're wondering why I left this letter here. A little bird told me that you were no longer at home, don't worry, I don't blame you. I didn't want to send this letter to your house in fear that Billy would intercept it first and throw it away. I know that Billy doesn't have the same understanding as you and I do.

I hope you find this, I knew leaving it here under these rocks was a long shot but I had to try something. You should understand that. I thought about leaving it in your room, but I think you would have a better chance of finding it under a rock by our tree.

If you are reading this that means you're back and I hope that you are content and happy. Please try to be happy for me, it's what I want from you. I don't want you moping around, I want you to go back to school for Billy. And I want you to work hard and not to get into any trouble.

I don't know how much of this you want to hear, but in a few weeks I won't be able to contact Charlie for quite some time and I want you look out for him. He tries to be strong and independent but I'm not too sure he is.

In the other envelope I've put some pictures from before the wedding, I don't know if you want to see them but I thought it was better to just put them in there. _Don't worry, they're only of me._

_Love,_

_Bella _

_Ps. Write back if you can, even if you still want me to write._

I looked at the unopened envelope that had fallen onto my lap. I carefully opened the the sealed flap and a small stack of photos fell out, a close up shot of Bella was on top. Her hair was frazzled and there were creases from her pillow on her cheek. Someone must have been following her around with a camera from the moment she had woken up.

In the next picture she was leaning over a bowl of cereal, her hair pulled onto the top of her head in a knot.

The next few contained someone's hand plastering unnecessary make up on her face and Bella trying uselessly to push the cameraperson away. I frowned, I would have made Bella do any of this stuff, not if she didn't want to.

The next one was her in her wedding dress, overly exquisite for her taste. Her face was hard to see under the veil, her hands were twisting each other at her waist and the bottom of the dress was slightly blurred. Perhaps she had been bouncing with nervous energy. It hurt a little to see her excited about getting married to the bloodsucker, but if she had chosen me she would have had to recover from the break up. It was better this way.

The last one was a cropped shot of her, the veil was pulled away and the smile on her face was bright and large. And true.

_Just when I'd stopped opening doors,_

_finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,_

_making my entrance again with my usual flair,_

_sure of my lines._

_No one is there._

Sam convinced me to finish school, once again it was only for Billy. It was amazing how easy it all was when you just sat there and did the work. I miraculously graduated but opted out of college, it just didn't seem worth it.

As much as I tried to I wasn't able to pretend to be happy, even for Bella or Billy. The summer after I graduated Sam and Emily finally got married, Sam had been phasing less and less and was ready to start a family. I was happy for him, but I couldn't help but be bitter about the love that he got to have.

I was given the position of leader of the pack, though Sam said he would continue to keep an eye on me and make sure I wasn't being reckless. Phasing was pretty pointless at this point, I had it from the most reliable of sources that the Cullen family that they were living in a secluded, forest covered part of New York and had no intentions of coming back to Forks any time soon. Bella said she wasn't ready. It was the first time she had sent a picture since the first letter under the tree. She now sent them through the mail though, "_under the tree mail is a bit inconvenient for me now._"

She still looked beautiful in the picture, although she was definitely different then from before. She was sitting in a window seat, a journal in hand as if the picture taker had interrupted her while she was writing. Her face was clear and almost snowy white, but not in a sick way in a beautiful way. It would make Snow White jealous. Her hair cascaded down her back still, but it was free of knots and tangles.

She smaller and even more fragile, though I knew the awful truth was that she would be able to give me a run for my money if we were to fight. I couldn't imagine Bella having that instinct in her, I couldn't imagine her being anything but the docile human I loved.

Her small was just as beautiful and bright, she was truly happy in this life.

"_I do hope you are doing okay, I wish you write to me to give me some sort of sign that you haven't gone and offed yourself. Don't do anything reckless! Even if it was just to tell me how Charlie is doing, I would greatly appreciate it."_

I wrote back.

"_You're still beautiful._

"_Of course."_

It was simple, but I had hoped that was all she needed because I couldn't afford letting all of my emotions slip on to a page, it would have disastrous after effects.

_Isn't it rich?_

_Isn't it queer?_

_Losing my timing this late in my career?_

Leah and I started going out, although that was a terrible term for the relationship we had. It was merely sex, drugs and alcohol, that was the only reason we ever got together for. We fought and were terrible for each other, but in that was security. This person could never hurt me more than I already was hurt.

After the buzzes wore off though, I always felt immensely guilty. This life wasn't what Bella wanted for me and I knew that it wasn't what I wanted for myself. But everything felt so good when it was going on, who was I to say no.

And Bella never needed to know.

Sam was the only one to ever catch on about Leah and me.

"It's not healthy, Leah's just trying to use you." I was tempted to say duh.

"I'm just using her as well."

"You know this isn't what Bella would want, she doesn't want you to just be… fuck buddies with someone, with Leah of all people. She wants you to be in a healthy, happy relationship," Sam yelled at me in hush tones as he shut the door to Hanna's room.

"That's a little hard when the only person you can ever love is off dead somewhere," she still sent pictures, after about seven years I received a graduation announcement from her college. She was pale and beautiful with her diploma, it was another oddly cropped picture since I could obviously see that she was letting someone else support her as she laughed, but I loved the picture all the same.

I had taped it next to the other pictures, the ones from her wedding, the one of her and her journal, a few from the travels she had been on (all at night) and now her graduation. In her letter she had informed me that she had majored in Literature.

"_It's amazing how much work you can get done when you don't have to sleep, although it took me forever to get the credits since I can only take night and online classes. I don't know if you want to hear that, sorry."_

She said that a lot.

"You need to let everything go, Jake. It's not good for the pack—"

"They aren't coming back," Bella had promised me.

"The Cullen's may stay away till we are all gone, but others may come here. Their scent is still quite thick up in Forks, other bloodsuckers could be curious."

"The pack is smart," I countered, "they don't need me," Sam looked at me and raised his eyebrow, "Just let me handle it please."

I ground my teeth and left his house, I didn't need any of this. I was surviving just fine in my own fucked up existence.

It wasn't long before I was at Leah's house and slamming open the door, "What the hell?" she stood up from her chair in the living room and her plate of food clattered to the floor, "Jacob, I'm not in the mood right now. There's a _Laguna Beach _marathon on," I growled and grabbed her hips, bringing her face towards mine.

She pushed against me at first, resisting, but I pulled her closer and knotted my fingers in her hair. I was getting what I wanted tonight.

_Don't you love farce?_

_My fault I fear,_

_I thought that you'd want what I want._

_Sorry my dear._

I sat up from the bed and put my jeans back on, Leah remained still, "I gotta admit, Jake, you are amazing. Definitely worth missing some _Laguna Beach_."

"We're done," I said at the door, Leah got up suddenly and chased after down the hallway, still stark naked.

"What do you mean we're done?"

"I mean, we're done. I'm done being your fuck buddy, your friends with benefits. Except it's not even that since we aren't friends! What's been going on between us isn't right, it's not what Bella would want for me and it's not how I should honor her memory."

"Bella's gone," she said loudly and clearly as if I didn't speak English and this would help, "She doesn't know what you are doing or even whether you are alive. Do you even think she cares? I've heard what the pack thinks about her, she was too nice. She'd do anything she could to stop you from hurting, including writing those god damned letters you insist on holding onto. She doesn't care."

"You don't know the first thing about Bella and you never can. You're a bitch, Leah. You are nothing like Bella, therefore you could never understand her. You're just selfish that someone you loved loves someone else. Well, newsflash, I'm right there with you. And yeah, it sucks and it hurts and the pain will never go away. But, acting like this isn't the solution," I shook my head, I had no idea what else to say, whether there was anything else I could say that would get the picture through her thick head. She stared at me, her eyes were getting watery, she was losing a member of her pity parade.

_And where are the clowns?_

_There ought to be clowns._

_Well, maybe next year._

For Claire's 18th birthday Quil took her to a club, it was small and the only club within miles of the res. Embry and a few of the other guys were there as well, once we had arrived everyone split up into different areas, dancing and seducing other women.

I sat at the bar, making designs in the water from the condensation on my cup. The music was pulsing with the lights and everything was a bit overwhelming, I decided to escape while I could. It wasn't like I was going to do anything besides drink myself into oblivion, and I tried my hardest to stay away from alcohol now that Sam was so focused on working and raising his children.

I caught one of my brother's attention and I signaled that I would be outside, fresh air would be nice. I slipped out the back door and found myself in an alley. It felt warm to me of course, but the fog around me said otherwise. A scream to my left caught my attention and I turned my head.

All I could see was a girl pushed against a wall by a tall man, smaller than me, certainly but her toward over the girl. The girl's hair was dark and I could see her face twisted into a mask of horror.

I stopped breathing, my heart sank and rose and stopped and fluttered all at the same time. On the one hand I wanted to change and rip the predator to shreds, live up to my name and be a protector. But on the other hand, I didn't want to scare this girl. This rare beauty. I had to stay human for her.

I ran over to the struggle and pulled the predator off of the girl and placed myself between her and the predator. I snarled at him, my teeth glaring, my eyes glowing, "Leave."

"Just having a bit of fun with my girl, man. Not my fault you can't find your own fun, don't need to go stealing my girl," the man spat at me cockily. I laughed at his attempted to move me away from my stance, his arm pushed pointlessly against mine.

"There wasn't anything consensual about this, I'm sure," I said calmly. The girl's hands had found hold of my shirt, even under the shirt her skin caused mine to tingle and I wondered what would happen if we were to come in to contact directly.

The predator opened his mouth again and I began to shake, "Leave!" I growled and placed my hands on his right shoulder, I had only intended to push him out of the way but I overestimated my control and he landed several yards away in a puddle of alley muck. He groaned and stayed put, I took the time to turn to the girl.

She was beautiful. Glossy, light brown hair that was a halo around her angelic face. Her eyes peered at me, glassed over in tears, I could still make out the flecks of green and gold against the grey background. She sniffled and wiped her button nose, her small lips quivered.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm never going to be able to repay you," she said, her voice squeaking in her throat. She threw her arms around my neck, "Thank you," she said over and over again.

I needed no thank you, I had received the best gift ever. My imprint.

"I never thought that he would leave me alone. I had tried—"

"Would you like to go for a walk?"

"I don't even know your name," she said, backing away from me and crossing her arms. I wrapped my jacket around her, she smiled gratefully and tucked her head into the collar that was probably still warm.

"Jacob William Black."

She laughed and it was the most joyful sound in the universe, it could have been the cure to any person's depression, no matter how severe.

"What's your name?"

"Clara. Clara Jane Adams," she smiled.

"Well, Clara Jane Adams, would you like to go for a walk with me?"

She tilted her head to the side, resting it on the cotton material of my jacket, "I suppose I owe you for saving my life, saving me from whatever would have happened if Trent had—"

"He's your boyfriend?" I asked, wishing I had bit my tongue.

"He thinks he is. He was at one point. But, he cheated on me, I broke up with him and things got ugly. The end," she said falteringly. She didn't want to talk about it and if my mouth could stay shut I wouldn't force her too.

I wouldn't force Clara to do anything she didn't want, but I so desperately wanted to kiss her. I had only known her for a few minutes and I wanted to do more than kiss her.

We walked around the sleepy, dark town till the morning light reached the horizon. We had talked about everything and anything and nothing all at the same time, everything felt so simply and carefree. Her birthday was in June, she had lived in California until college. She had studied French and wanted to live in Paris for a year, but Trent had stopped her. Her favorite pizza topping was peppers and parmesan cheese. A week doesn't go by without her listening to her favorite band from her childhood, The Backstreet Boys. She was on the debate team in school, but failed speech class. Her parents were high school sweethearts and still married. Her favorite movie was A Walk to Remember. She ate the ice cream right out of the container.

"Oh dear," she said, looking out at the red sun from the bench we were sitting on.

"Do you even know where we are?" I looked down at her, she was lying on the bench, her legs over my lap and her head on the arm rest. She looked around and smiled.

"No clue! I can't believe I stayed up all night with a complete stranger!"

"I'm not a complete stranger, you know my name," which was really all she knew. I had been the one to play interrogator all night.

"Yes, Jacob William Black," she sat up, swinging her legs to the ground. She let out a big yawn and stretched before leaning against my shoulder, "Well, Jacob William Black, we should try and find our way back. Or at least find a cab, if you have money. My purse is, hopefully, in the lost and found at that club by now."

I had no cash on me, but I was far from being tired, "I can carry you back to the club," I stood up and held out my arms.

"Wait a minute, have you not told me something? I know for a fact that you have been up all night, you couldn't possibly have the energy to carry me back, let alone walk all the way back to the club.

"I think I'll manage," I said, ignoring her first remark. She had certainly hit the nail on its head, there was something I hadn't told her. I knew I could tell her, but the how to tell her was the problem. I bent down and scooped her up, she wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I held my arms comfortably underneath her, keeping her close to me and smoothing her skirt down.

She leaned her head down on my shoulder, "I can't believe I had such a nice time, Jacob."

"Me neither."

I crossed the street at the corner and sat her down in front of the building, she looked up and smiled at me, "See, I told you that you were too tired to carry me all the way back to the club."

I smiled back and turned her around, "I think we just walked around the block a few times," I pointed towards the dark windows of the club. She laughed again and it was like the angels began to sing.

"Oh, I wonder if anyone's still in there," she placed her nose against the window, "I'd like to get my purse, since it basically has my life in it." She knocked on the glass, "Don't you need your wallet or keys or something?" She knocked again.

"I have my keys," I reached into my pocket and grabbed them.

"Oh," we stood outside in silence for a few minutes. She was staring down at the ground while I studied her again. Her hair was really light brown in the new sun light and her eyes weren't grey but an intense light blue, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to wait till they open to get my things."

"They open at nine," I said, still staring at her.

"Well, that's only a few hours from now, it's like what? Five, six?"

"Nine at night," I amended.

"Shit," worry flooded her features and I wanted to embrace her in a hug and never let her go. I never wanted her to feel any negative feelings ever again.

"I could drive you to your house," I said, I wanted her to feel better, but I didn't want to have to let her out of my sight in order to do that.

"I need my keys to get in, silly," she smiled weakly.

"Well," I started off slowly, "do you want to come over to my house? I have an extra bed, we could both catch some sleep since we seem to lacking in that department and I could take you out to breakfast. You could take a shower."

She laughed, "I'm probably pretty groady by now."

"Never," I said honestly. If she were to protest showering for the rest of time, I would stand by and support her.

"Well, I just spent the entire night you. I suppose if you were going to try anything you would have already done it."

I was appalled, "I would never try anything, Clara, not without asking you first."

"Um, thank you."

I guided her to where my car was parked in the back and opened the passenger door for her. Once she was in, I shut the door, quickly took the parking ticket off the window and got in.

After I started the ignition I realized, it was all worth it. All of it.

_But where are the clowns?_

_Quick, send in the clowns._

_Don't worry, they're here._

AN: I will be writing more about Clara and Jacob, I just need to find another song. Happy Singles Awareness Day!


	2. Old Black Magic

AN: Sinatra, I love you

**AN: **Sinatra, I love you. You give me the best ideas. c: _That Old Black Magic_ is sung by Frank Sinatra (among others) and written by Johnny Mercer, composed by Harold Arlen. I **don't **own it.

This song is disgustingly perfect for Clara and Jake. Or any imprint really.

Just to clarify: it's been 16 years since Bella left and one since Jacob and Clara met. Jacob would be 32.

**That Old Black Magic**

_That old Black magic has me in its spell,_

_that old Black magic that you weave so well._

_Those icy fingers up and down my spine_

_That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine._

It was my 29th birthday and I was getting ready for my date with Jacob. I stared at myself in the mirror, and while I felt silly for thinking it, I still couldn't understand what Jacob saw in me. Plain hair, too light to be considered brunette but too dark to be considered blonde. Eyes that just couldn't decide on the color; my license said grey, my mother said green (bless her heart) and Jacob…. Jacob said they were the sea, darkening at the hint of stormy anger and brightening to a dazzling blue at the sign of luminous delight.

I teased him for watching too many chic flicks.

It was hard to believe how fast I fell for Jacob, our first night together had just been a walk in the park with a kind stranger. But the next morning—afternoon really, was when I realized that Jacob was more than just a kind stranger. After we both slept and showered he bought us bagels and coffee and ate on the wharf near his house. I had been silently amazed at how much he could eat, four bagels to my single one. Talking with him was easy and I felt something with him that I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt safe, I felt secure.

Jacob quickly became my life; while I was at the coffee shop he would sit in the back corner, while he was at the auto shop I would be waiting at the nearby beach. With Jacob, I felt like he would give me anything I wanted, no matter what the sacrifice for him was. He frequently told me to quit my job and paint at the beach all day like he knew I wanted to.

And a part of me did too, the selfish, indulgent part of me.

If it weren't for the way that his friends stared at me I would have broached the question myself. His friends weren't looking at me like I was piece of meat, but like they were waiting for something. They always seemed hesitant when they were talking to me or around me. It made for awkward dinners at Sam and Emily's house.

Emily's gaze was quite the same, but tender somehow. She was wonderful with her two kids, Hanna and Caleb. Sam's gaze was more intense, he was happy for Jacob and me that much was clear but he was anxious about something.

I had lightly talked to Jacob about this, "It's been hard for me the past several years. I, uh, had a really bad break-up. Everyone's just happy to see me happy again, they just don't want someone to break my heart again," I didn't ask any more about the girl that had broken his heart so many years ago, but I wondered about it. I had never heard of someone's break-up depression lasting ten years. I was jealous of her though, whoever she was.

I heard Jake's key slide into the door and I smiled, a year later and I still got tingles every time I heard him come near me. I hadn't seen Jake in a mere 16 hours and yet I wanted to run from my room and jump into his arms. I held my resolve though and stayed in my room, letting him wonder through each room as he called out my name.

I heard his footsteps reach my door and his hand rest on the antique crystal knob. It was one of the many things I would miss about my apartment if I were to move in with Jacob. Getting the place had been pure luck, it was full of antique touches such as crown moldings and curved archways that led to many of a few of the rooms. The kitchen appliances were sketchy but original. The floors creaked, but it was still home.

But could I call a place where Jake wasn't home?

_The same old tingle that I feel inside,_

_and then that elevator starts its ride_

_And down and down I go,_

_round and round I go,_

_like a ship that's caught in the tide._

I looked at our reflection in the passing windows, if it weren't for the fact that Jake was walking on the street side I would have completely disappeared behind his profile. I sometimes felt silly and dwarfed next to him.

There was something about him that made me feel automatically protected, like I never needed to worry about getting hurt. Which was nice, after Trent I needed all the security I could get, whether it was from Jacob or my baby blanket didn't matter, but I had my preference. Trent had stopped coming around after he barged in on Jacob and me a few months back.

Trent would have never been a problem if I hadn't been so in love with those doorknobs, I never changed the locks because of those doorknobs, so Trent always had the spare key.

Jacob and I were curled into the couch, the springs squeaking under our combined weight and the broken support beam scratching the wooden floor with each shift of our bodies. I was wrapped up safely in his arms, the cold breeze from outside drifted in and hit my back; Jacob was always too warm. He had a naturally higher body temperature. Which was wonderful when my heater decided to give out 4 months ago.

It was amazing how perfect Jacob seemed for me. It was like he was made just for me. I couldn't help but wonder if I was made just for him or if this was going to end like so many of my other relationships, the guy with another girl (hopefully not by soon-to-be ex-best friend) and me with a carton of mint chip ice cream and a bag of Razzles.

"Where are we going?"

"Out."

It was his only answer, this wasn't the first time I had questioned our destination. I pushed it aside for the time being and leaned against Jake, causing us to walk in a zigzag line. Normally I would have felt bad the unsuspecting passers-by who had to maneuver around us, but I was enjoying the feel of Jacob on my cheek and the sun beating on my back far too much to let the thought get to.

I recognized where we were when I saw the decrepit building ahead of us. It was where we met originally, well, not exactly. We had met in the dark alleyway on the other side of building where he had torn Trent away from me. I hadn't actually needed Jake's help, what happened in the alley was just a game that Trent and I played. A game I didn't like, but it wasn't dodge ball or anything. I knew I wouldn't get hurt. Despite his threats Trent never hurt me.

But that didn't mean I wasn't thankful for Jake taking me out of the situation.

We crossed the street and Jacob brought us into the park that we had spent the night in that first night. _It feels like forever ago. _But it wasn't, not really. Only several months. Several months that I wouldn't want to trade for the world.

The park was quiet, it was still light enough so that the park was populated, but mostly with couples like Jake and me.

He sat us both down on the bench that we had sat at before and pulled me close to him, I curled my legs up onto the bench and leaned into his frame. I was comfortable but I didn't like not being able to see his face. He had been awfully quiet ever since he had picked me up.

I was apprehensive because I had seen this before, you try to be nice by taking them out, but your quiet because the only thing you want to do is break up with them. If that was the case, Jake and I had a week left and I wasn't sure if ice cream and child's candy were going to be able to help me through this. I hadn't felt this way about anyone I had known.

Luckily, Jake was defying the one symptom that had always taken place by now. He still kept me close to him, as close as he could as often as he could get away with it. In the kitchen he would stand behind me, hands on my waist as I cooked dinner. While watching TV I would be pulled across his lap. His massages would turn to kisses as I paid bills.

Jake still did all of this and I held onto that.

I turned up to him and he looked down at me, he pulled be back so that I was comfortably looking at him. He brushed my hair back and spoke, "Let's talk."

_I should stay away, but what can I do?_

_I hear your name and I'm a flame._

_A flame with such a burning desire,_

_that only your kiss can put out the fire._

I smiled at the sight of the ring on my finger. Jacob had placed it on my finger two weeks ago and I hadn't taken it off since. If I did I felt like I was missing something, like walking out the door without deodorant on or getting into my car without keys.

The phone rang and I answered quickly, I hadn't heard from Jacob yet today and sun was going to set soon. "I was going to call the police if I didn't hear from you soon, Jake."

"Clara," his voice was soft over the phone and I could hear something off in the distance. A tapping on the table, he was nervous. "Clara, I need you to come over tonight. I need to talk to you."

I frowned but agreed to come over, we said quick goodbyes and I was in the car on the bumpy road to Jake's house. I tried to calm my nerves by listening to music, but even the Rat Pack couldn't smooth the thrills of electricity running through out my body. I was jumpy and lethargic and hot and cold all at the same time and it made it terribly hard to drive.

I pulled into Jake's driveway and went right into the house, he was sitting down at the table. He looked up and walked over to me, he wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I could feel his mouth moving next to my ear but I couldn't quite make out what he was saying. I could have sworn it was, "sorry," though. It didn't make since. I didn't want to confirm, either way it made my stomach rumble with fear. What would he need to be sorry for?

"Let's go for a walk," he said softly, wrapping his arm around me and holding onto my hand. A walk, a walk to a safe, neutral place. My mind wandered into dark territory. His hand was too tight around mine but I didn't say anything, I hadn't said anything since I got off the phone with him. I couldn't say anything about my tingling hand because the no sensation I was getting was better than the sensation I would get if I knew that he would never hold my hand again.

I couldn't understand why he would ask to break the engagement though.

We stopped walking at the nearby cliffs and Jake looked out over the distance, "I haven't been entirely truthful, Clara. I haven't been lying to you, I just haven't told you everything about me." Horrors raced through my head, if I had eaten dinner I would have thrown it up right there, but the scene I was going to make when he said his final words was going to be embarrassing enough as it was.

"There's things about my family, about the tribe, that you don't know. Things that you can't read in books. Well, you could, but they'd just be myths. They aren't myths, Clara. We're starting to discover that things we thought were myths are real, it's been the trend for the past twenty years. Have you read the myths?"

I felt guilty and shook my head softly, I was sure if he had seen the motion. Reading the myths hadn't even crossed my mind. Reading and history hadn't been my thing in school, they still weren't. Math. Math was safe, math was logical and made sense and always stayed the same. What was true was true and what was false was false and with a few simple formulas you could figure everything out. Nothing could hide from you.

I was starting to realize, though, that while you might be able to use math in every day life you couldn't relate it to every day life. Jacob hadn't been honest with me, Jacob was hiding something and that knowledge pierced my heart like a bullet.

I swallowed and shook my head again a bit more firmly. He sighed and took me in his arms again and began walking, "We should go talk to Sam."

_Cause you are the lover I have waited for,_

_the mate that fate had me created for._

_And every time your lips meet mine,_

_darling, down and down I go,_

_round and round I go._

I hadn't talked to Jacob in a week. Since we had met it was the longest I had gone with out talking to him or seeing him. We had always been in constant contact through phone calls, video calls, text messaging and emails. We soon became inseparable, until a week ago. When he told me everything. Sam told me the myths and then Jacob said those terrible words again.

"It's true, Clara."

That time I did retch. I felt bad, but it was my first reaction. Then I started laughing and clapped at their great prank, when they denied that I became worried. Was this entire extended family plagued by some sort of disease that made them all believe the same delusion? Was this really a cult of some sort?

I knocked on Jake's front door, my ring sparkled in the sunlight, I hadn't been able to take it off. When there was no answer I let myself in. He was sitting on his couch, the TV was off. His elbows were on his knees and his head was cradled in his hands. He looked up at me and my stomach lurched at the sight of him. He looked terrible. Dark circles were under his eyes, which blood shot.

"Jacob, I love you. I can't help that I love you. You've become my heart somehow and I'm not sure how I've carried on with out it. I wasn't much for Biology or Anatomy or whatever class it is that you learn that kind of stuff, but I know that you need your heart to survive. Well, maybe you can live without for a period of time, but after that, you start to die. I felt that, Jacob. I felt myself dying and withering away.

"My survival instincts kicked in Jake and I have to be with you. Whether you're a werewolf or just a human or a fairy or whatever else is out there. I'm going to learn to accept that and we'll get through this."

We were both crying at this point. I smiled and melted into his arms, the only place that felt right.

_In a spin,_

_loving the spin I'm in,_

_under that old Black magic called love._

**AN: **This isn't as long as the first chapter because it doesn't cover 16 years. c:

**In honor of Memorial Day, this is dedicated to my cousin. We all miss you dearly.**


	3. I'd Know You Anywhere

AN: Again, thanks to the love of my life Frank Sinatra

**AN: **Again, thanks to the love of my life Frank Sinatra. Once again, this song is sung by him. This will be the last of _Send in the Clowns _since it's very AU as of now. c: I won't say anymore, except that there will be closure. Please remember that everything we've learned in _Breaking Dawn_ doesn't apply here.

**I'd Know You Anywhere**

_I'd know you anywhere, I'd know that grin,  
__I'd know you anywhere when you walked in,  
__I would tingle with a single glance in your eye,  
__Watching the starlight dance in your eye.  
__You saw my vacant stare, you understood,  
__I'd love you anywhere, honest I would,  
__I was certain this would happen, strange as it seems,  
__I'd know you anywhere from my dreams.  
I'D KNOW YOU ANYWHERE, FRANK SINATRA_

I looked down at my beautiful little girl in my arms. Her creamy coffee colored skin felt too hot against mine where her still chubby arms were wrapped around my neck. Though her eyes were closed I could still see the motion of her grass green orbs ("We're pretty sure my great-grandmother had green yes," Clara had said softly in the hospital.) Clara had twisted the two long braids into a knot at the base of her neck after Annabelle complained of the heat her fever was causing her. Clara pressed another damp cloth against her neck and left to check on Will.

It had been a fight to keep him home when he had the flu. Clara insisted he was the spitting image of me, she had a photo of me as a kid framed next to Will's school photo just to prove it. But that was where the similarities between Will and I ended, he was so focused on school, that was something he could only get from Clara. I watched as my wife knelt next to him at his desk and explained some complicated formula for his advanced math homework. My seven-year-old's homework was confusing me already.

I still had my little Annabelle though, of course she'd be smart, but she would never be boastful about it like Will could sometimes be. I loved my son of course, but I couldn't ignore the blow my ego took when he looked at me like I was the world's biggest idiot. The little cherub in my arms would never do that to me. My little Annabelle would never do anything to hurt me. Her innocent little heart wouldn't be able to do such damage.

Clara had wanted to name her Annabella, name her after the woman she had gotten her eyes from, but I just couldn't bring myself to okay that. Bella meant beautiful and my daughter filled that definition to a 't', but Bella also meant the years of heartbreak I had suffered before Clara fitted herself into my life. Of course, I couldn't deny my first love anything. I thanked my ancestors when Clara decided Annabella was too weird with the double "uh" sounds. Our lovely first daughter became little Annabelle.

William hadn't cared too much for her when she first came home. He turned four seven months after she was born and had received a set of action figures for his birthday. We did our best to make the entire day about him, it was what Emily and Claire had said would be best. They were our only sources of parenting information in La Push. But poor Annabelle was teething furiously that day and when the opened action figures lay discarded on the floor she abandoned her melted teething ring and began gnawing on the toys. When her crying turned to giggling we all turned away from the action figure decorated cake and turned to baby Annabelle.

"No No No, Annabelle!" Will went running from the table, his chair crashing to the ground. Clara and I were both up before he got far and Clara grabbed him from the armpits. I picked up Annabelle, toy and all, and brought her over the struggling Will.

"Jake, take the toy out of her mouth. There could be lead in it," Clara chided. She turned William around in her arms and pressed his screaming head against her shoulder, trying to soothe him. "It's okay honey, we'll buy you a new one. It'll be okay."

Instinct wanted to take over and remove the crushed toy from her mouth, they had stopped putting lead in paint years ago but those small parts would be dangerous to her little throat. However I took her over to the crying Will and tapped his shoulder and looked at me furiously, I ignored the glare, "Will look what you did for your sister!"

His crying stopped and he regarded his resented sister closely, "Annabelle smiling," a small smile appeared on his wet and red face.

"Yep, Will, you made Annabelle. You're such a good big brother, you take such good care of your little sister!" I glanced at Clara's beaming face without turning away from Will's beaming face. He reached out from Clara's hold and did his best to grab hold of Annabelle.

"I hold Abby! I wanna hold Abby!"

Clara and I took both of them to the couch, Will sat between the two of us and held our tiny Annabelle in his arms. His smile was bright as he watched his baby sister chew on her teething ring. Clara set the ruined toy aside, hoping that Will would forget all about it. This action figure was the equivalent of a pet rock, a Furby and Hannah Montana CD combined; it was terribly hard to get a hold of. From that night on Will had always kept a close eye on his little sister, despite our differences I knew that if I were ever not around he would take as good of care as his sister as I could.

With his homework done he came and sat next to me, holding Annabelle's hand. "Is Abby gonna be alright, Dad?"

"Of course, Will. She just has what you had. The flu, nothing more."

"Well, you didn't spend this much time with me when I was sick! Why does she get more attention?" he complained.

"Do you want me to hold you all night and rub your back?" I teased.

He bunched his face, "No, I'm not a baby!" He seemed over his moment of need. "Can I hold her?"

I didn't want to let her go, but I hadn't eaten in hours. I was the last of my brothers to stop changing and also the last of them to stop feeling the affects of it all. I was still hopelessly hungry most of the time and something like a paper cut would heal in about an hour. My temperature was the first thing to revert back to human though and I lost a few inches off my height within several months after my last time changing. I had taken one last run in the woods and then shed my wolf skin one last time. The months after had been hard, but when the news of our first child the ache of losing that part of my life soon receded.

I placed her delicately in his arms. At first it looked like she was going to stir but she soon nestled into his sweatshirt and feel back asleep. I walked into the kitchen and found Clara making Will's lunch. "You want me to make you one too?"

"Could you make me five?" I asked greedily, leaning down to rest my forehead on her shoulder. She leaned her head to the side and we connected there, I moved forward a little to place tiny kisses on the back of her shoulder. Since having Will and Annabelle, this quiet, sensual time between the two of us was what I missed the most. There was no time or privacy for us to be spontaneously intimate anymore. She sighed and straightened her shoulder up, pushing me away. I wrapped my arms around her and she pulled out more bread for my sandwiches.

"You're worried Jake. You need to calm down, she'll be okay."

"I just don't know what to do, Clara. Will never got this sick. What if she really does need to go to the doctor?" I reached over to the fridge and pulled out the mayo and mustard.

"Could you just trust me, Jake? My little sisters would get sick like this and they would be perfectly fine, just make sure she gets lots of fluids. Milk, maybe some Pediasure."

I wrapped my arms around her again and kissed her neck, "I trust you Clara. I really do. I just don't know what's wrong with me."

"You're just overprotective of the women in your life, that's all. It's sweet. Just make sure Will doesn't feel too left out. I heard what he asked you today. _I'm_ worried about that one, okay? I don't want William to grow up and feel like he's fatherless."

Guilt surged through every pore and vein in my body and I had a hard time not breaking down. I had grown up without a mother, I barely remembered the seven years I had of her. I had to make an effort to connect with my son while I still could.

"I know Clara. It's just hard to connect with someone that's over 30 years younger than you, but has an IQ 30 times larger than yours."

"IQs don't go up that high." She kissed my forehead and passed me the plate with my five sandwiches.

"See what I mean?" I joked. We walked into the dining room with the meal. "I'll take him fishing next weekend, when the weather clears up. I'll have to get Dad's boat out of storage this week…" I walked back into the living room to tell Will that his lunch was on the table. Annabelle had woken up and was sitting on Will's lap, laughing at the funny faces he was making. She put her chubby fingers in his mouth and pulled it up and down into grotesquely exultant and gloomy faces. "Careful, Will. You don't want to get sick again."

"Already had it," he said over her fingers.

"Still, she's four. Do you know where her fingers have been?" He looked up at me confused, of course he was seven; why should he care about dirt or germs. I didn't when I was his age, in fact I probably hadn't cared until I was 15 or 16. He blew a raspberry on her fingers and her giggle (hoarse from her sickness) was enough to brighten up my dreary mood. I picked her up and she looked up at me, her wet hands pressed tightly against my cheeks.

"Beach, Daddy?" her jingle bell voice warmed every dull crevice in my body.

"Honey bunny, you're sick. It's too cold for the beach." She wiggled hard against me and I let her slip down to the ground. The flu didn't cause her to falter in her quick lithe movements towards the coat closet. "Will, go wash up, you're lunch is on the table."

He groaned, wiped his hands on his jeans and sat down at the table, "Nice," I called after him.

I walked over to Annabelle who was being devoured by the mess in the closet. She was sitting down and trying to her left galosh on her right foot, she had already pulled her coat down from hanger on the lower bar and had her hat on.

"Annabelle, love, it's too cold out there for you."

"Jacket!" She pointed to her rain slicker and looked at me like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Clara had snuck up behind me and had wrapped her arms around my wait, her fingertips just barely grasping each other. "The cold air might do her throat a little. Wrap her up and just don't let her get wet. You should wrap up too, I don't think you're so invincible anymore," she whispered the last part into my ear. After wrapping Annabelle up the best I could (including my and Clara's scarves) I pulled on my own coat and galoshes. She had sat down during the time I had taken to put on my outerwear and she had refused my help in getting up.

As I watched her get up, which looked like a turtle trying to turn itself back onto it's feet, I took a deep breath. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and my finger joints locked and almost popped out of place. It was a feeling I knew well, but I couldn't place the reason for the feeling.

"Daddy, help!" I bent to pick her up.

"Help please," Clara corrected from the doorway. "Jacob, if you give into her every will and whim without ever teaching her proper manners she's going to grow up to be the most spoiled child on the planet."

"Maybe if I spoil her she'll never leave me," I whispered against Annabelle's cheek. Clara looked at me with pity.

"You're putty in her hands you know," she smiled a little at the two of us. Annabelle had her tiny hands in my hair and was pulling hard chanting "beach, beach, beach" over and over again. I kissed my Clara while Annabelle was distracted.

"Yours too," I kissed her cheek, "I love you."

"Love you too."

I went to the door and saw the top of a brunette head at the bottom of the small window, I opened the door before the person could knock. I gasped, fear shot through me. Instinct tried to take over but I no longer had the power to do anything against the monster at my doorstep. Annabelle continued to pull on my hair and chant, "Shh," I tried to quiet her. I needed quiet to figure out what to do with the unwelcome visitor.

"Bella, you're not welcome here."

Hurt painted a terrible picture on her pretty face. But I knew better than to fall for her immortal features. "Jake." Her voice rang like sweet bells in a summer wind.

"I won't let you hurt my family Bella. Please leave. Just because no one is changing anymore doesn't mean you should take advantage of that. I thought you'd want to prove me wrong about you being different. I was right though, you are just a heartless bloodsucker."

My Annabelle, oblivious to the danger, spoke up, "She has a heart, Daddy, she's alive. Duh," she giggled next to me ear. I pressed her more closely to my body, with my hand I kept her face away from vamp's line of sight. I didn't want this monster to lay her eyes on my daughter and I didn't want my daughter to see this monster, I didn't want my daughter to be plagued with the memory of this.

"Bella, please leave. Please respect what we had and just go. If I wanted to see you I would have wrote you back."

Her face fell, her clear skin creased ever so slightly. "Jake, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. To make sure you were happy. I still care about you. I would never hurt you—or your family."

"Why should I trust a leech?"

"You should trust your best friend, Jacob."

I felt Clara's hand on my shoulder, "Jake? What's going on?"

"It's an old friend. She's leaving."

"Jake, don't be rude," she reprimanded, "Let her come in. Offer her something to drink, just because you used to be a wild animal doesn't mean you need to be uncivilized," she finished softly, not intending the vamp to hear.

I turned ever so slightly towards Clara, Annabelle still tight in my arms, "I'm not letting a vampire into my home. I'm not letting her hurt my family."

Realization flooded her face, "This is her. The girl you loved before me," Clara nodded and rubbed her lips together, "You should go talk with her. I trust you and I trust her," she glanced at the bloodsucker in the doorway. "Take Anna to the beach and talk with your old friend, please."

I looked at her in wonder, she really had no idea the extent of a vampire's strength and brutality. If vampire Bella was willing to break the rules and step on my land she was probably more than willing to kill me, best friend or not. "Don't open the door for anyone else."

"Honestly Jake, if her family wanted us dead wouldn't we be dead by now?"

I ignored her words, kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door towards Bella.

"If I had known you were going to hate me so much I wouldn't have come. I should have listened to Emily," she sighed and began walking towards the tide.

"You talked to Emily?" I followed her, walking slowly behind her.

"I wanted to get permission to come here. She advised me not to, said you'd moved on… but it's just something I needed to see with my own eyes. I'm not staying long if that's what you're worried about. She wasn't sure how long my presence would be needed to start the whole werewolf thing again, I'll be out of the state before the sunsets," she looked out at the horizon that the sun was hours away from approaching. "But, if you're just going to look at me like I'm some enemy-monster than I'll just go now."

I looked at her supernatural face, despite the differences it was the Bella that I had known and had loved. But, had the monster taken over her kind spirit? I stared deep into her eyes, it was the only unrecognizable feature on her face. So light they were almost beige. She had fed a lot before coming here. While waiting for me to respond she wrapped her hair into a twist and tucked it down her sweater. Her hair was so shiny and despite the wind it lacked any splint ends. It was my Bella without any of her perfect imperfections, except one. She was still a vampire.

But also still my friend. The faint freckles were still on her nose and her eyebrows still arched the same way. Her eyelashes still tangled together and I think she was wearing the same pair of earrings she did as a human. She toyed with the strings of her sweater, impatient for my answer but trying hard not to show it.

"Daddy, pretty!" Annabelle sat up and pointed to something behind me. I turned around and looked down at the sand that she pointed to. A sand dollar the size of a plum laid perfectly on the ground. "Get it for me, pwease!" She was bouncing up and down in my arms and I couldn't find the balance to bend down to pick up the shell. Bella bent down and picked up the fragile piece in her stony hands. She held it out to Annabelle, only the tips of her fingers were touching the shell, her arm was extended all the way out from her body. Annabelle grasped it in her hand, her small digits were barely able to hold the dollar flat to her palm. "What's 'at?"

"It's a sand dollar," I situated her differently in my arms so I could see her face. She had pulled the scarves away from her face, her button of a nose and cupid's arrow of a mouth her now visible and one straight lock of hair had escaped the clips on her head.

Her mouth opened wide with a smile showing all her baby teeth fully grown in, "A dowyer? How much is it worth?"

I looked down at the shell as if examining it for it's worth, "A hug."

Her pretty little face fell a bit, "Dat's stoopid."

"Stupid isn't a nice word, Annabelle," I scolded.

"So?" I tried to say more but her precious face, irritated with my adult logic, made me waver.

"Anna_belle_?" Bella caught the similarities.

"Eh, yeah," I set her down and watched her scamper off, not getting more than ten feet in front of me. She placed the worthless shell in her coat pocket. "Anna_bella_ is a family name, Clara didn't like the sound though. I didn't like it either," I looked at her from the corner of my eye to see if her emotion would change at the sign of my resentment.

"Annabelle is a pretty name. Your son calls her Abby?" She saw my look. "I was outside for awhile before knocking," she explained. My teeth ground together in frustration that my lost abilities brought on. Somehow I was still associated with the dark world Bella was living in and I had nothing but knowledge to protect myself. At some point, knowledge loses its power and just becomes spare bits of information. I had reached that point.

"Uhm, yeah. Annabelle was too much of a mouthful for William when she was first born, you know?" She nodded and then frowned a bit, she would never know the different stages of childhood. She'd never feel the smile creep on her face every time her child would says "lello" or mispronounce a relatives name. She'd never know of that because I stood here, a forty year old, imprinted man and she stood there in her eighteen year old vampire form. Forever eighteen.

"She's gorgeous. And you make a great dad. It's cute. You're very protective of her," she smiled at Annabelle running towards the tide pools.

"Clara says I'm overprotective about the women in my life. She says I spoil Annabelle too much, she doesn't want her to act like a spoiled brat when she's older. But I can't help it I can't deny her anything. I can't deny either of them anything."

"Yeah, I kind of remember you having a problem with saying no, of course you also had a problem with taking no for an answer," she tried to get me to smile but failed. I tried to keep everything about human Bella a distant memory. "You have a son too," she mentioned, trying desperately to change the subject and to get more out of me about my life for the past twenty-four years.

"Yeah, William, after my father. He's seven. Annabelle's four. Will's brilliant, freaky off the charts… I have a hard time keeping up with him. It's hard to connect with him. But I gotta be there for him, you know? I grew up without a mother and that was hard enough. I know Clara thinks I'm only protective about her and Annabelle, but I'd do anything for Will too. "

She looked at me, all the kindness I remember suddenly in her eyes again, "You're a wonderful father, Jake. Give yourself some credit, you're smarter than you think. Maybe not book smart, but you have things to offer him. Don't doubt yourself."

I looked down at her, "Where'd all this wisdom come from?"

"Well I don't sleep," she said emotionlessly.

"Insomnia's the key to everything."

"Pretty much," she smiled. "So you and Clara? You're married."

"Yeah, going on forever, I guess. She's the one who's good with numbers. She's my imprint," Bella nodded but responded with nothing more, "I feel like I've known her forever. Like the time we're together doesn't really matter because I know we'll never be parted. It's kind of intense."

"I'd imagine so."

We had reached the tide pools and I held Annabelle's hand as she walked through them. I grabbed her other gloved hand when she went towards the a starfish in the water.

"Uhm, I don't want details but how have you been?"

She nodded, I guess she understood why I didn't want the nitty-gritty details of her new and disgusting life, "Well, I went to Dartmouth, like Edward wanted. I double majored in English and Philosophy. Both completely useless but it's not like it matters. I never thought I'd like philosophy but Edward and Jasper convinced me to take the first course and I was hooked. You know, all the time in the world to ponder things, philosophy is pretty interesting," she trailed off realizing that she had contaminated the conversation with one of the consequences of her bloodsucking ways. "Sorry. It's hard. I mean, it hasn't been that long in comparison to everyone else but… I think you just get used to the vastness of it all. You know?"

I looked at her, confused.

"I mean, think about how everything is so connected and it all works out in one way or another. I mean…" she looked at me, gauging my reactions, "if you hadn't been so pissed at me after I left you never would have stayed a wolf so long, am I right? I mean, since leaving I've been the first vampire to come back here so there's really been no reason for anyone here to change, right?" I nodded. "And if you had stopped changing you would have been too old for Clara. It all works out in the end, it doesn't matter how you get there I guess. I don't know, just a theory. I've got lots of them."

It was hard to take in, but she was right. And in a way I knew what she said was true and agreed with it.

I looked at the sun, it was going to set soon. She looked in the direction I was and nodded, "I'll leave now. Thank you for not going all Buffy on me or something."

"I don't think I could anymore, Bells."

She turned to me and rocked on her heels, Annabelle began trying to pull out of my grasp but I held on tight. She jumped up and down, trying to yank her hands out of mine. "Hey! Hey! Heeeeeeey!" I relented and let go of her tiny hands.

She reached into her pocket and grabbed the shell from earlier, "Here ya go," she handed it to Bella. Bella smiled down at her and Annabelle smiled back, proud of figuring out what Bella wanted. Bella flipped the sand dollar between her fingers delicately and gracefully. "So, I think, if I recall correctly, that I can buy a hug with this," she held the piece up for my approval.

"Bella," I groaned. I remembered only vaguely how uncomfortable it was to be around the other vampires years ago, I never had to hug any of them though.

"Jake," she whined softly, "Please? I mean, I haven't seen you in almost twenty-five years. You're my best friend Jake! And you're not that great of a pen pal. And I'm assuming you don't really want me back here, which I understand completely," she said quickly as if expecting me to be remorseful over my decision. I wasn't sorry in the least; I didn't need my son and nephews turning into wolves just because Bella visited for a few hours. "Just one hug. You're almost completely human now Jake, it shouldn't bother you. The smell I mean."

I looked down at Annabelle who seemed better after her nap and her walk in the fog, I frowned though when I realized that she had taken her gloves off and was playing some weird form of peek-a-boo with a sea anemone. If Annabelle got any worse Clara wouldn't need to kill me with anger, I'd worry myself to death.

I stepped forward though, my eyesight still on my little girl, and wrapped my arms around Bella's cold form. But, much like she said, the only discomfort I felt was from her cold skin. Her arms, though tiny, were strong around my waist. "Don't break me, Bells."

"Well, I have to get you back for the broken hand somehow!" she teased. I smiled back and ruffled my hand through her hair. "I gotta run if I'm gonna be out of the state before it gets dark."

"You'll go that fast? I thought you hated speeding."

"It grows on you," she shrugged gently. "I love you Jake, remember that."

"Of course, Bella. Thank you, for everything. I love you too."

She looked at Annabelle to make sure she was distracted and unaware. She smiled one last time, waved and disappeared from my eyesight, the only evidence of her presence was a fine line of sand blown up from her feet as she headed towards the woods and to the road.

"Where'd she go, Daddy?" Annabelle asked after turning around.

"She disappeared," she had a knack for doing that. Annabelle's eyes went wide and her mouth stood open in a perfect "o."

"How'd she do dat? Is she mathic?"

"Yep, Annie Bananie." She giggled at me and let me pick her back up. "Put your gloves back on so Mama doesn't yell at you."

"Mama wouldn't yell at me, Daddy!" I sighed, even Annabelle knew better. I'd be the one yelled at if I came back with her hands cold.

We had traveled pretty far away from the house and Annabelle fell asleep in my arms again. Once at home Clara simply smiled at me from the couch. I took Annabelle up to her room, took all three scarves, her rain jacket and boots. "Night Daddy," she mumbled before sticking her thumb into her mouth. I looked at her while sitting on her bed, waiting for her to fall completely asleep. I took the plaits out of her and spread the straight black strands down her back. With one last deep sigh from her I took her thumb from her mouth, turned her night light on and shut the door.

"Hey Jake," Clara said softly. William was lying asleep in her lap. I hadn't been around kids too often but I didn't remember them sleeping so often. She noted my look, "I think he's still getting over his bug. He pushed himself too hard to go to school yesterday."

I shook my head and sat down next to her, lifting Will's body onto my lap. "I love you Clara."

"I love you too. Are you okay? That was _her_ wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was. It was Bella. It was okay. Hard, sure. But nice. She was my best friend before you."

She nodded and leaned her head against my shoulder, letting me decide if I wanted to talk about my time with Bella. Which I didn't. I wasn't sure Clara would understand and I wasn't sure I wanted her to understand or even know everything that went on between the two of us. Certainly the relationship between Bella and I wasn't substantial, at least twenty years down the road, but at the time what I shared with Bella twenty some odd years ago had meant the world.

But with Bella's visit, although I had wanted nothing of the sort at first, and my imprint on Clara all the heart wrenching feelings from before Clara had left. There was no anger or sadness or even curiosity now that I saw that Bella, although immortal and soulless in my eyes, was happy. And that was all I wanted for her.

And what made it even better was that I was happy as well, sure it had come after twenty years of turmoil and depression but it was all worth it in the end. It was exactly what Bella had been talking about earlier, it was exactly what she had meant with her crazy little theory. Without Bella breaking my heart Clara would have never come along to fix it, mend it and make even better than before.

"So, I was thinking that next weekend I could take Will fishing," I mentioned abruptly.

"I think he'd like that." Clara smiled her perfectly small smile.

**AN: **And this is the end of _Send in the Clowns_, I never expected it to go this far but my writing tends to take over when it wants to. There's a possibility I'll write about Clara and Annabelle and William some time in the future, but there's no promise. I'm trying my best to wrap up any pre-_Breaking Dawn_ story with the exception of the ones I'm editing and _Cupid's Chokehold_.

Thanks for reading and happy reading,

Samantha

not done baking

c:

**AD:** I've posted a new story and I'd really appreciate if you could go check it out. I really wanna know what you all think before I get too into it. It's called _Life Right Now_.

**ALSO:** find Bella's point of view in _Solar Flare_.


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